Well done you’ve decided to make the move into the online dating world! Go team you and all the equally cringe-worthy supportive fist pumps in the air! Ideally you would like the process to be as pain free as possible and just be greeted with a plethora of fine looking suitors with a profile that makes you truly believe online dating was an awesome idea. However some people do get it very wrong and shatter all your hopes and dreams of finding someone who is your kind of ‘normal’. They ruin it by committing these online dating travesties!
One – Asking for sex
No. Just no. You do not open conversation with an enquiry as to whether I would be willing to partake in any sexual favours. Stranger danger! This simply screams ‘creep’. Oh and dressing your vomit inducing invitation up with wink emoticons, buzz phrases like ‘having some fun’ and ‘exploring’ with a married couple is still most definitely horrendous on all levels. Stop it. Right now.
Two – Filtered ‘arty’ selfies
I’m not saying put up a pic of yourself from an unflattering angle after an all day drinking session, but ease up on the Photoshop images of yourself. You’re fooling nobody and if you are going to actually meet someone in real life who believes you look like your profile image that you’ve drowned in a ‘dreamy’ sepia filter, then be prepared for dashed hopes and no second date. Just keep it real!
Three – Perfect body shots
I get it, you work out. However having a profile photo where you’re flashing nothing but a six pack just looks ridiculous and egotistical. Fantastic you go to the gym. I applaud your dedication and hard work. I use my gym membership card to cut cake but you don’t see me showing off!
Four – Writing a novel
Yes it’s great you know how to write eloquently and thank you for incorporating 32 different quotes from your favourite authors so you appear well read, but I just want bullet points! Be witty, funny and unique but keep it simple. Less is more, as reading a sonnet written in Shakespearean tongue when the profile question only asked your name, age and location is pure madness.
Five – Usernames
Funnily enough, usernames such as bigboy88, sad_lonely123 and letmemakeUhot91 are immediate turn offs. First impressions are key and along with your profile pic and bio, you are trying to sell yourself to potential love interests. Don’t scare them off before they really get to know how fab you are by concocting an absurd desperate username. It maybe funny in your head… somewhere… but that’s the very same reason you’re still single!