smug couples

10 Accidentally Offensive Things Married Couples Say

Most of my friends are either married or in long term relationships, while I’m acting like Peter Pan and blogging about being single! That works for me right now and I’m happy to be floating along with no real plan for my tumbleweed love life. Well, I’m happy until those usually closest to me and usually already with ‘the one’ like to point out how single I am! I often have to remind them that just because I’m alone, doesn’t mean I’m lonely. Our friends love us but no matter how they dress it up or how concerned they may be; their pearls of wisdom generally come across as patronising and condescending. Here are some lovely examples of jarring ‘things’ married couples say to their single buddies…

1 – You will find someone when you stop looking/least expect it.

Well I’ve not been looking for a good while now and still I’m watching Netflix on my own in my pajamas. So not only are you annoying me with your nonchalant tone, but you are in fact a liar. Cheers.

2 – Dating sounds so hard… I’m so glad I’m not doing that anymore.

Again rude… and probably false. From talking to couple friends who are a little more honest with how they feel, I’m told they often miss the excitement and unpredictability of dating. This comment is an indirect jibe to cover up the dullsville of their relationship.

3 – I wish I had so much free time like you!

Just because we’re single doesn’t mean we have no life! Granted yes we only have to run plans over with ourselves to decide if we wanna take off last minute, but we still have shit to do! Plus we only have one income to try and pay our bills and attend all the weddings we’re forced to go to!

4 – You’re too picky.

Usually this comments warrants a punch to the genitals. Just because I don’t want to settle or hook up with someone just so I have a plus one to another couples convention, doesn’t mean I’m picky. Plus my criteria consists of two things: a pulse and someone who laughs at my crap jokes. I know right… I’m so picky it’s disgusting.

5 – Online dating is weird. There’s so many freaky people out there.

Well now you’re just directly telling me I’m a freak. Thanks. Yes you’re correct there’s crazy people out there… but they exist offline too. Those who say this are the types who have never even tried online dating because they fell in love with their spouse at school or they were that one drunken one night stand which escalated into a relationship.

6 – I was going to invite you but… ya know… it’s a couples thing.

Oh goody… now I’m being excluded from socialising because I’m not with anyone. In fairness I probably would want to gouge out my eyes with a blunt spoon if I had to listen to you all congratulate yourselves on how much of an awesome power couple you are, but I have feelings too! If you cut me do I not bleed?!! And so and so forth…

7 – I want to set you up with this person who isn’t at all your type.

Thanks for your help friends but do you know me at all?!! My criteria for an ideal partner is not extensive but just because they work with you and they mentioned one time that they liked Beyonce, doesn’t mean we are going to bump uglies. The art of ‘settling down’ may seem appealing at times, but I’m still not going to settle.

8 – I can’t make it to your important event/hang out with you because I’m spending time with my husband/wife… who I see everyday because I live with them.

I get ‘we time’ is important in relationships, but so is seeing your friends and supporting them. Just because you put a ring on it doesn’t mean you now are a social moron who shuns ‘fun!’ Friends who pick up this bad habit are the ones who are no longer invited.

9 – My ‘husband/wife’ did the most hilarious thing today… Did I tell you what happened with my ‘husband/wife’ today.

Annoying. As. Hell. We get you’re married… stop trying to shoehorn their title into every damn sentence. They have a real name… use it! You did before you were married and everything was fine. This mainly occurs with loved up couples in the honeymoon phase. I’ll allow it for a few months but after that… you just sound like a douche.

10 – You just need to put yourself out there.

Where is this mythical ‘there’ place you fondly speak of?! This can be helpful for singletons who are creatures of habits and then complain that they never meet anyone. However for those who are actively trying to meet someone, a married friend saying this just sounds smug… and nobody likes smug couples.

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